On Last Goodbyes and Moving On

Dear You,

“I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man, with common thoughts and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I have loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.” – From The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks

Enough. A word I mention to myself since that raining evening last August 1, 2018. I was driving and we were talking. I sensed there was something different about you, something off. Like there was something you wanted to tell me but couldn’t figure out how. I knew if I probed I probably wouldn’t want to hear what it was you were trying desperately to tell me. It was another goodbye. Twice before it happened but this time, the third time, it was also the last.

I came out of it dazed, confused, hurt, abandoned, and jaded. It was as if I felt my soul leaving my body, my mind wandering into space, and my heart crushed as we were both in tears.

When it was over, I hoped it wasn’t true. That it was just something we had to go through. I prayed that a few days later you’d reach out to say, 'I want to start over again'. Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to a month. But as my tears began to dry up, my heart started to regain its shape, and my mind distracted from work...

it happened.

You met someone. And I knew the reason. Someone else can make you happier. Someone else could probably love you more. Someone else could take care of you. And for the longest time, I prayed to God that that someone would be me. But He said I wasn’t ready. He said you had to be with someone else.

They said everything happens for a reason. And in time, I hoped I would understand and learn to accept that we were just not meant to be.

And in the billions of people in the world and the countless hearts to care for, I had mine broken four times in a matter of six months. 

Maybe in time somewhere along the way, when our paths cross once again, we could both smile and be grateful that once in our lives we met each other.

So I leave this to you as a parting gift. Those eyes that I wished would look at me differently and for the heart that I wished could love me back... But never could. In the end, it’s like as you said, prayers and time. I wish you well.

Always,

Me

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

For A Reason

A friend told me that I should start writing again. What he didn’t know was I did but simply never published my work. I guess at this point in my life, I wanted to keep some semblance of privacy. At almost 37, I didn’t feel that the world needed to hear (or read) my thoughts.

For about 5 or 6 years, I kept a blog writing about love, life, and everything else in between. I beg your indulgence. I was young, naive, and full of hope. Now, I’m old(er), skeptical, and practical about most things. Especially about relationships. 

I do miss my old self though. So here, let me try and summon my 23-year old self back. And write.

It was Feb 16 when we first met. Two days after Valentines, I was still reeling from this Hallmark induced holiday. But I guess, I felt that I wanted to meet someone new. After all, at that time it was nearly 8 months when my more than 6-year relationship just ended. And that break up was a b*tch. I have to thank my friends and family who kept me going when I felt life and love has given up on me. But like they said, time heals everything. Even the most devastating heartbreak I had in my life. But that’s another story to tell someday. 

So here we are 5 and a half months later and still dating. We still speak daily, see each other weekly, and never run out of things to talk about. It’s probably the most mature relationship I’ve had in a long time. But I’ll be very honest, it’s also the longest I’ve dated someone and not progressed in a committed relationship. 

Don’t know why. But for most of my relationships in past, it took a few weeks before we were “together.” This was different. New. Unusual. One that I have yet to understand. I guess the universe is telling me something. 

All I know is that I am nothing special. Just a man looking for meaning. And looking for a love to last. Answers to questions that the universe has yet to reveal. 

There are 7.6 Billion people in the world. That means there are about 200,000 births every day, that’s over 8,000 every hour, 138 every minute, 2.314 every second. 

106,564,353 in the Philippines. And counting. 

I’m asking for one. Just one.

That one person who will keep you looking at the world differently. That one who will remind you to be kind, humble, and honest. That one person you wake up for every morning. It may be him. It may not be. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned all this time is that I can endure. I can love unconditionally. 

For how long? Only time will tell. 

Until then, let me just enjoy life. Enjoy the time I have with him. And accept that everything happens for a reason.

I leave you this video by Moira. For those still looking for a reason.

Malaya by Moira

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Here's to remembering

I remembered…

I remembered I wrote about my feelings… my thoughts… my dreams and I remembered I why amidst the chaos of my world I found peace.  Writing was therapy. Writing was solace. Writing was passion.  The last entry on my blog was years and years ago and I’ve forgotten how I used to put an entry everyday. So why did I lose it? Same reason as I lost my way a few months back. I got complacent.  I got so wrapped up about so many things that I neglected the one thing that made me sane.  And so, I write once more to regain my sanity.

Ever since the popularity of Facebook and Twitter, where everyone seem to now write snippets of their lives on a daily, even hourly basis, we’ve lost the essence of writing from our hearts. I, for one, am guilty but that’s going to change. From now on I will make an effort to write more…. about life and love (and everything else in between).

To Jay,

Here are a few reasons why I remembered why I love you so much.

I love you because I do not fear tomorrow. I love you because each day that I know you love me too, I feel blessed.  I love you because the fear of not knowing doesn’t bother me.  And I’ve said it a thousand times in the span of almost 3 years but it has never diminished its meaning.  I love you because you are good to my family, my friends and me. I love you because most of the people I introduce you to tend to love you more seeing that you have a very good soul and a very kind heart.  You are patient, understanding and grounded.  You care about more people than yourself. But you never fail to love yourself deeply too.  You share even what little you have to others even to our dog.  You are disciplined and responsible. You never forget the importance of family.  You give me hope when I thought it has forsaken me. You give me strength when I have none to give.  I love you because the room seems brighter every time you walk in.  I love you because you are true.  I love you because you are forgiving. You know when to say sorry and mean it. You know exactly the right time to hold my hand and when to let go. You never hit nor curse out of anger. We have never had a major fight that lasted for day or a night. We never slept angry at each other. You always want me to hug you right before you fall asleep.  And though you snore like a boar and kick me like a horse in bed, I always fall on my deepest sleep when you’re beside me. I could go on and on and bore you. But most of all I love you because you make me want to be a better person.  Always.

Forever grateful,

Your Noel

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: To Chuck

We were inseparable.  I remembered how every Sunday we went out at our favorite “tambay” place at Rockwell.  She studied and I, drew, read a book, wrote, or edited photos.  There was little need for talk but on moments we did, we’d come up with a brilliant conversation, about life, love and sometimes even some profound topic about the universe. But mostly, we spoke about life… our lives. 

We used to think that there’s too much drama in our lives and heck, maybe there still is, but we like that.  I called her Chuck from the movie, Good Luck Chuck because we both agreed like the heroine on that movie, she was good at keeping relationships but bad a getting proposals. In fact, she never had one. Well at least during that time, but a simple twist of fate changed all that. She called me Squid, because according to her, I had similarities with the cartoon character Squidworth of Spongbob Square Pants in which to date, I still don’t get, probably because I never really watch that cartoon.

Recently, we don’t get to see each other anymore.  She go married, gave birth to my godson and is now pregnant again. Once, she even told me that she didn’t want to be doctor to the point where she took a sabbatical to think about what she wanted to do with her life.  She was in a family of doctors so you could imagine the pressure.  She used to complain about how difficult it was and that even during the time she was already about to graduate she wanted to leave and pursue another career.  She’d sometimes tell me stories about her patients and how she would see that making a difference in someone’s life makes her happy.  And that’s when I knew she’d be a great doctor. 

And I became a corporate junkie that keeps me travelling all over the world.  I also kept my love for photography and until recently became a very strong advocate of HIV and AIDS when I dear friend got diagnosed positive I became very passionate about spreading awareness, education and prevention with the spread of this disease.  I decided to be part of the change. But that’s a story for another blog.

Earlier I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and saw an episode that inspired me to write this blog.  It reminded me of how sometimes life gives us sh*t and what we forget we do what we do.  We are sometimes forced to things we don’t want but have to because that’s just the way it is.  We are reminded that there are battles we lose often but every once in a while we are given the rare privilege to witness the joy we bring to the lives we help change for the better.  And this joy we feel keeps us doing what we are doing.  It gives us the strength to continue the path we chose for ourselves.

As a doctor, Chuck helps save lives.  She gives her time, effort, dedication and knowledge to the people she treat.  She may not know it but when two of my other best friends, Babygurl TR and Angel left soon after college, I got lost. And she saved me. She became a mother, a wife but to me she will always be my sister, my bestfriend, my confidant, and my soulmate.  She is Natalie Casuela-Quesada.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Take The Test: NOW NA!

Hindi na ako nakakapagsulat ng blog. Dahil na din siguro sa dami ng pinagkakaabalahan ko sa buhay. Hindi ko din alam bakit bigla ako nasagap sa mga kung ano-anong uri ng advocacy. Pero sabi nga nila mabuti daw ito sa kaluluwa. Hindi naman siguro ito penetensiya sa mga kalokohan ko nung bata bata pa ako. Pero ginusto ko na din na tumulong dahil na din sa ginusto ko ng pagbabago.

Maraming nagrereklamo pero wala namang ginagawa. Maraming nasusuya pero tumatalikod lang sa pagtulong. Maraming naasar pero wala namang sinasabi. Ako --- isa akong nuknukan ng daldal na tao. Gusto kong naririnig ang mga opinion ko sa buhay. Gusto ko ang bawat salitang binibigkas ko ay may kabuluhan. Ayaw ko ng non-sense. Ayaw ko ng walang kwenta. Ayaw ko sa pagkikibit balikat sa mga bagay-bagay na dapat kaya mong gawan ng paraan. --- gawan ng pagbabago. Isa lang akong simpleng tao na gustong makatulong. Nagsisikap para magkaroon ng marka sa mundo bago man lang ako kunin ng May Kapal. Hindi rin naman ako santo, hindi ako banal at lalong hindi ako dakila. Ako katulad mo lang din, taong nadadapa, nasasaktan at naririndi. Pero siguro ang pagkakaiba natin, pagnadapa ako, marunong ako bumangon; pag nasaktan ako, marunong akong maghilom; pagnarindi ako, marunong akong umalma sa mali.

Totoo nga atang maswerte ako ngayong Year of the Water Dragon. Parang kaibigan ko nga talaga siya. Biruin mo, may matino akong trabaho, maayos ang pamilya ko kahit paminsan-minsan may asaran, may nagmamahal sa akin ng lubos at sadyang mahal ko din naman, nakakatulong ako sa kapwa, may panahon magpahinga, magsarili at napagkakasya naman ang mga gastusin sa araw-araw. Marahil ang pag tulong ko ngayon at isang uri na din ng pasasalamat ko sa mga biyayang binibigay sa akin. Aba, marapat lang din naman ako magpasalamat. Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon masasabi kong masaya ako. Kuntento sa mga bagay-bagay sa buhay ko. Sana magtuloy-tuloy.

Eto ang recent project ko matapos ang Solace, Yoga for Life, Family for Keeps ay Take The Test naman. Nung isang taon kasi, naging peer educator ako. Isang seminar na inattendanan ko para makapagturo tungkol sa katotohanan ng HIV/AIDS. Dami ko na kasing kaibigan na nagkakasakit. Nakakatakot, nakakalungkot at nakakaasar kaya naisipan ko na pasukin ito. Biruin mo, kada 3 oras, may isang nahahawaan ng HIV sa Pilipinas. Naknangputcha! Ikaw ba hindi ma-aalarma sa ganon. Kaya gumawa ako ng photoshoot with Take The Test para naman magkaroon pa ng dagdag kaalaman ang mga tao tungkol sa HIV/AIDS. OO, hindi lang bakla ang pwedeng makakuha nito. Kahit na sino pwede. Wala siyang pinipili. Kaya kung ako sa iyo aalamin ko na status ko. Ako man, kahit ilang beses na nagpatest, kinakabahan pa din kada resulta. Kahit na alam kong protektado ako lagi may kaba talaga. Pero mas maige na na alam mo na ngayon kaysa naman malapit ka na mamatay saka mo lang nalaman. Kaya ano pahinihintay mo puntahan ang link na ito para malaman kung saan pwedeng magpatest. Libre ang education kaya wag mo ipagkait sa sarili mo. Libre din ang testing kaya wag ka na umarte.

Know your status. Take the Test! NOW NA!

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

OPEN PHOTOSHOOT: Yoga For Life

Dearest Family and Friends,

Yoga for Life is the non-profit organization that a friend and I started in June 2010 to provide yoga and meditation sessions to people who are affected by HIV and AIDS. The are 7 new HIV infections in the Philippines every day, mostly among young people. We have more that 300 members so far, a mix of people who are infected and those who are not, but choose to support and advocate against the further spread of HIV through education, awareness and addressing stigma and discrimination. We recently conducted an independent evaluation of our program and learned how the Yoga for Life community has become a crucial refuge and support group for many people. Many also attested to experiencing deeper inner peace and happiness through yoga

We currently provide 3 yoga classes every week in Ortigas, Makati and Quezon City. Classes are for free and are taught by the best yoga teachers in Manila who support and volunteer their time. We ask for a donation of P200/class. Everyone is welcome, whatever your HIV status, we don't ask because it doesn't matter.

To support our yoga classes and HIV awareness campaigns, we are conducting an important fundraising event. We are holding a PHOTO SHOOT with photographer Noel Abelardo on October 22 and 29. For a donation of P1000, you can get 2 professionally-shot and edited photos, a special t-shirt, and be part of a broader HIV campaign for World AIDS Day in December. For the first 50 registrants, they also get the chance to win a 3-hour PRIVATE photo shoot with Noel and can do it alone or with others.

It's for a really good cause! We hope that you can support! For those who can't physically attend the photo shoot but still want to contribute, we happily accept donations as well. Please visit www.yogaforlife.ph for details on how to participate and/or donate (we can issue official receipts).

Please resend to your friends and family! We would greatly appreciate it! See you there!

Charmaine Cu-Unjieng, co-founder Yoga For Life

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush:It May Be Easier

In the sea of people around me, I sit here pondering the eternal question, “why the F am I still alone?” And yet, as I look around, I can’t help but wonder if they’re happy too? Or are they just riding the waves of life praying that it wouldn’t be as hard. Are they pretending to be content on the one person sitting beside them? Every smile, every laughter, every kiss, every look in their eyes tell me that they are. And yet, I still consider them lucky—well, luckier than me at least.

Most people depend not on food, water, oxygen, or even faith to survive but on love. What if you shape your life around it? When you mold your stories to understand its complexities. When you surround yourself to depend on it. When you succumb to its immense power. When nothing but love gives you the energy and will to keep moving on life’s difficulties. What happens when you lose it? Love is much like dying. Only difference is dying has an end, while losing love can seemingly go on forever.

People chose to be alone because it’s easier. It’s easier to be alone than to depend on someone, build your life with someone, care and love someone only to wake up one morning and realize, as hard it was for you to find and hold on to it (love), it is gone. But I’d rather much be in love than be alone. I’d rather have the quarrels, the shouting, the paranoia, the endless worrying and the endless caring, unbelievable moments of sweetness, the feeling of someone needing and wanting you more than you could imagine. I would rather have that than walk into an empty house, travel on countries, walk stretches of beaches, and sit on a packed café or bar amidst families, lovers, and friends alone. I’d rather make love with a partner than have meaningless sex with a stranger.

And yes it may be easier to be alone…

But you’d be crazy to want it.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo